Is old age a curse?
I am sitting in the hall cutting vegetables for making lunch.My MIL, a grand old lady of 87 walks to the hall slowly from her room.She comes and sits in front of the TV takes the remote in her hand.She keeps changing the channels,she is not happy with any of the programmes shown on the different channels on the TV.I don’t blame her,I too feel the same way,watching the different serials somehow adds to my woe,the women are invariably shown as the cry babies all the time crying or as pucca vamps..I watch my MIL’s facial expressions,it looks as if she would start sobbing any time.She keeps the remote in its place and walks back to her room.This happens atleast five to six times a day,my MIL coming to the hall,switching on and swirching off the TV and walking back to her room.
She feels lonely.This, inspite of the fact that we are taking good care of her,she gets regular medical check ups,my husband makes it a point to spend time with her sits and talks to her,jokes with her,I do my best to take care of her in my own way.But she needs company of her age group people,company of her relatives.Unfortunately that is something we cant do anything about.
In the same complex where we live ,in another block,on the seond floor lives another old lady in a flat all by herself.Her only son is in the US.This is her own flat, very well furnished.Her son has engaged two maids for her.One comes in the morning,does her work,cooks for the old lady and leaves.The other one comes in the afternoon makes evening meal for her stays for sometime and leaves.Her son has made excellent financial arrangements for her.She is financially well off.
When I asked her son,”Why don’t you take her with you”,he said,that he tried it.But both he and his wife are working and his mother had to stay alone in the house.”For my mother to stay alone here is better than staying alone at home in US.”Similarly his mother is averse to keeping a full time maid.
My husband makes it a point to visit her, atleast once in a day and enquires about her health,makes small talks with her. .In the beginning the old lady was wary about my husband visiting her every day,but now she looks forward to his visits.Her relatives visit her rarely,mostly on festival days.
When I went to Mumbai to visit my daughter,my daughter introduced me to one of her neighbours.Ahusband,wife,MIL and their two children.Very nice friendly people.I particularly liked the old lady,80+ who looked so beautiful at that age.Her silver hair,flawless complexion,lovely smile and blue eyes.I told my daughter she must have been a ravishing beauty in her younger days.
Her son and daughter in law were working,they had a full time maid who also cooked for them.Their flat was right below my daughter’s.Very often I heard the sound of people shouting at each other,sobs and bitter fights.Then my daughter told me.The DIL did her best to take care of the MIL but MIL was not happy wth the food made by the maid.She wanted the DIL to cook for her.She often found fault with the food made by the maid and shouted at her,with the result,no maid stayed with them for more than a month or so.She was also very forgetful.DIL would have given her all her medicines to take,but she would complain to her son ,”your wife did not give me my medicine.She wants me to die”.Tell me will there be peace at such a place?The old woman was not a bad person,but her dependence on her son and Dil was playing on her mind.
One day in the evening I and my husband went to the terrace to get some fresh air.We saw the old lady’s son sitting there with a sad face.We were hesitating to ask him anything,when he came to us and told my husband, “Uncle,I have a problem.I need your advice.”He told us about his mother ,her stubbornness and her memory that was failing her and the constant friction at home.
My husband listened to him patiently and then said to him that he had to be patient with his mother.Even if he wanted to make a point with her he should tell her that in a friendly manner.We talked with him for sometime.He went down visibly feeling better.
Medical science has progressed beyond anyone’s expectations.Awareness among people about maintaining good health and eating the right food has become an in thing.So life span of a person has increased.Elderly people nearing 90s are a common sight.Well,For the old,medical support is there,insurance facility is there,awareness is there,but do the old people get equally worthy moral,emotional and psychological support?
The problems of old age is not your problem,it is not my problem,it is not her problem or his problem.It is a social issue.
Our elderly people are lonely,they want company,they want entertainment of their choice on TV ,they become nostalgic and want to talk about the good old days and be listened to.
What are we going to do about this?
Socially responsible, conscientious people and people who are taking care of their parents should sit ot gether and chart out plans to make life better for the aged.
Five or six families,if possible relatives or friends who have elderly people at home should arrange for the elderly to meet atleast once a month and chitchat in a common friend’s or relative’s place.Let them spend a couple of hours together,chitchat and come home refreshed and recharged.
Media people,please make a survey and find out what are programmes most ofthem would like to watch.When there are any number of cartoon channels for the kids, why not have atleast one channel exclusively to cater to the elderly.Let them listen to good music,films that they like to watch,listen to religious discourses.
My MIL,my neighbour lady whose son is in the US ,and the elderly mother whom we met at Mumbai are not only lucky to have caring sons,they must have also set a good example to their sons as good caring children to their parents.
How many of us can boast of bringing up children who will not look upon their old aged parents as burdens on them?
If you are young, remember that you will also become old one day.If you are middle aged,remember,old age is just round the corner.If you are in your sixties,like me,listen carefully dont you hear old age knocking on your door?
We need not panic.Just set a good example to the next generation as to how one should take care of one’s aged parents.Youe chidren are bound to tread your path.
Old age is not something to be savoured,at the same time it should not become a curse to the old also.Our elderly parents surely deserve a better fate than that.
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Dear santhemant,
Thank you for that wonderful mail.I felt very bad,I thought I had offended a highly learned person unknowingly.
Thanks once again.
mythili
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Thanks mythili,This was not at all an anger but a heartburn expressed to my fellow thinking blogger.I myself have failed to judge the complete picture many times.we are all mirrors which catches the reflections of the inputs in different ways at different times crooked and bent or sometimes clear..the best way to put yourselves in other s shoes and think..well..do visit my blogs on vichara etc,
regards no offence at all.
has
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Mr.Santhemant,
My God,you are so angry1If typed words have the power,my dear Sir,your words would have turned me into ashes.
Now that you have told me that you are a surgeon seeing elderly patients,patients who are not cared for by their near and dear ones,day after day I can inderstand how you must be feeling.
When we discuss a topic on a platform like this ,I feel we should not take the arguements on a personal levl.I wrote that my intention was not to be rude.
mythili
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It is surprising how the net does not allow us all to know who we actually are !!Do not make sweeping statements based on one blog comment just because it sounds radical to you.harsh realities of life for some need harsher solutions have you seen the full spectrum of this problem!!?? You must have viewd my comments differently and cultural and age diffrences do not allow the two opinions to meet.But your surmise was hilarious to say the least.I am in highest human care industry as a surgeon -where care do not mean what your films show but actual care of thinking about all the smallest details of the patients and operating on him her only if he is allowing.next i am head of a large joint family where care of so many aged is taken up by all under my guidance.for so ,long .and we all live and dine togather ..the thoughts i gave were topical.I am all for what you believe in I have lived my whole life based on humane goodness only not by writing about it with emotion but working for it professionally and personally and socially at my place.some solutions for the problems are typical to some cultures about which one does not know about ..I hope as father of two daughters myself I fully endorse your view but i think you fully misunderstood me by huge margin..This solution was NOT for you but one of the radical thoughts which I have penned for so many of my old age patients dying and on death bed..have you as ... a doctor!!??comment was for beyond your wrting for a larger canvas which you failed to grasp.
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Dear santhemant,
I see you as a person who has lost faith in human goodness.Sorry if I sound rude that is not my intention.I am by the side of a man who is selfless,who has done wonderful things and continues to do so,I feel that as long as there are men like him we can continue to have faith in children being kind to their parents.
My daughters have taken their father as a role model,I hope things will just be fine for us.
Regards
mythili
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Kamalji,
Thank you for the nice comment.Happy to know that your elderly mother is being taken care of and is doing well.
mythili
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Dear Maam,
Well said .And so trarkly true.I am in my mid fifties,and as u said old age is around the corner.My mom is 77, Dad is no more, we try and keep her happy.She is very active, she still knows the latest trends in jewlllery,she still insists on buying veggies from the market as well as Non veg,she loves cooking, and gossip.She is one hell of a woman, someonme to emulate.
She lioves with my two brothers,and their families, will made out,but touch wood hale and hearty.
Yes old age is cruel, we must keep ourselves busy in hobbies so that we dont disintegrate mentally, as i have seen the case.
Wonderful blog.REcommended and my favourite too.Regards.kamal
And rightfully featured.
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sow your future if you can by sowing wealth or matter that will keep the children around you..a bussiness a joint family a hotel,a hospital or a shop ..if they find good oportunities around you then they will saty with you and will care for you ..but if they have followed their hearts in their carreers and marriage etc as we all want them to then..live accept changes..of all types well to die peacefully.
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The old will not be able to change their way.Their children if not out of love atleast out of human considerations should adjust their mind set and try to bring some cheer into the elders' lives.
Iam not pontificating,but I am bewildered what are we me and my husband going to do in our old age?
as u have said as u sow ,so u will reap,so let me be nice to my elders.
I feel sorry for our old people in the US.These people have every reason to be in an old age home.
mythili
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Many old are unfortunate.but as you sow so you reap.The couple did their best efforts to see that their wards are educated in the US and they cannot expect then they will come back to them many well settled specifically ask their well to do old parents to NOT to come to US as the health problems will be overwhelming for them and unsettle THEM !! So many 55 year olds are alone for many years till one of them dies and the other goes to a ashram in India or taken to the US corner of the ''home''..the first thing the elderly has to learn is to divert their stubborn ness to practically accepting changes ,not interfere with minor matters or be over bearingly patronly advisors to the next generation who many times are in their 50s' !! These bodies of ours are going to vanish soon or with prolonged pain sufferring to you and yours.So prepare for it at 50 's..body and the mind..live each day for others do good and good will come back to you..not of our own but of any body you come in contact as in old age anybody who is near will be dear to us NOT the dear who is NOT NEAR !! broaden vision and hearts forget and forgive and live life a day at a time well for others and us..
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